myself and not myself

If anyone who knew me in reality, or even those who I chat with regularly online, were to stumble across this and read it, they would no doubt say that the person writing these blogs is not me. That I do not act like this.*

Well, I will admit to the fact that I am pushing a personality that usually stays hidden inside me to the fore as I write this.  I am being a whiny bitch.  Or a grumpy bastard, depending on how you look at it.

They say you’re as young as you feel. I say that’s true - happy people are youthful. People living on a diet of suckage tend to be old before their time.

That being said, this blog is not about the job that I find unsatisfying or the family life that is a pain to me, or the health issues that plague me, or the so-called friends that when it gets right down to it care less than a pixie’s fart about me…

What I mean is, you won’t be hearing long-drawn out explanations of why I am upset. At least, not until I’m more comfortable with this medium.

Suffice it to say, I have a reality, and I have an online life. This online life is varied and complex, and involves roleplay and relationships with many different people.  My online life is darker, more sensual, and would be frowned upon if anyone from my reality knew about it.

And yet I cannot shield the one from the other. When I am hurt online, it is a struggle to not show that pain when moving through my reality. And when reality has made me suffer, it affects how I play my games online.

I walk through my reality now with pain, trying to hide the hollowness I feel inside. Loss, palpable and bitter, lurks beneath my heart and presses it outward, so that it is bruised against my ribcage.

There. I made it poetic and pretty. Go away.

That is all.*

Suck City - The Beginning (and possibly the end)

I have tried to keep journals and blogs before.  It is impossible; my adult ADD* mind can’t maintain the focus necessary to write constantly.

It’s never a good idea to start a blog when at a low point in your life.  If you’re not careful it becomes a rant - heck, everything online becomes a rant.  Then again, I know from experience that happiness, however brief, usually lends itself to enjoyment of the moment, and nothing is left behind for posterity.

Some idiot* went out and started collecting lists of ‘awesome’ things, and by the very nature of people’s perception of what ‘awesome’ implies, it was uplifting, garnered lots of interest in the blogosphere, and now they have books published and sold, getting money hand-over-foot for being irrepressibly cheerful in a world where that’s difficult to achieve.  I guess by spreading their saccharine drivel they managed to lighten the lives of those around them, for a few brief iotas.

Well, I thought to myself when I heard this, that it should theoretically be possible to do the opposite - to create lists of that which is the opposite of ‘awesome’ and somehow miraculously get a book deal.  Upon further reflection, I realize that it won’t happen; we are trapped by the fact that everyone’s life is destined for disappointment, disease, decay and death. It is a constant and unavoidable doom that we will do anything to ignore and shy away from.  Hence movies with happy endings.

In any case, hoping that I might buck the trend, here is a short list of things that I have recently taken note of in my life that are full of SUCK, and that are constants in many people’s lives.

In a world with highspeed, dsl, cable and sattelite internet connections, dialup sucks.

When everyone around you seems to have anything they want, having nothing sucks.

And when you can speak to people half a globe away, and you hear their pain, and want to hug them and hold them and kiss them and reassure them with physical contact that they are not alone, that things will be all right, and that your love for them is more than four characters worth of pixels on a screen, and you can’t… being a ‘global village’ sucks.

[For future reference, the asterisk (*) denotes a statement that is entirely my opinion, unverified, undocumented, undiagnosed.  This is for the sake of people who want to reply to a post and say, ‘You’re an idiot’. I say now, to you all, ‘I don’t care’.  The asterisk will henceforth be known as my BITCHMARK. Please read it as, I’m bitching here. This may be true, or perhaps not.  But it’s my opinion, and screw you.]

I was thinking of ending every post with 'That is all.'  But it's not.

This will not be all.
This will never be all.
This is only the beginning.
For the world and everything in it will someday be consumed with suckage.

So I have decided to put a bitchmark on it.  And here is my sign-off for this first blog post...

Run away, while you still can.

That is all.*